We started our blog back in September 2008 just before Carlon was born. We created it as a way to keep family and friends in the loop about our family's goings on. But, like so many in the online world I have come to our blog at times to use it as a journal, a way to expound, to vent, to explain. And that is what I'm using it for today. I stayed off it for a good chunk of last year because there was so much going on for our family and so much of it was just too overwhelming for me to even begin to understand all of what was going on. From that I can't trust what I say and so just better to stay off the outlets that can help you do things you regret.
I have calmed down somewhat from the turmoil of last year. I have said to a few friends that if Carlon remembers anything about last year it will be "the year that mommy cried" The tears have abated, thankfully, and I'm able to function on an emotional level (most days - still dealing with post partum hormones after all) This last week though has thrown me into a state of spiritual exhaustion.
We have been unemployed since the beginning of this year. We knew this was a possibility but had prayed that God would provide a job for Brad before his last day. That time has come and gone and even while he was on sabbatical the job possibilities were not flooding our door. A couple possibilities have come our way and we have applied and now comes the waiting game. I don't like waiting. That's not something I've ever tried to hide or fake. I try to be patient but, waiting is frustrating. It also isn't something I'm nuerotic about. I don't FREAK when I have to wait it's just nice to be able to get on with things. So we have been waiting... waiting for more job postings to come up, waiting for responses from teh churches we've applied to..... waiting for God.
Now I'm asking 'God, what are you waiting for?' I am so tempted to add an exclaimation to that question because I have yelled it so often in my head. We haved asked ourselves and eachother 'Is there something God is calling us to do and we aren't doing it? Is there a sin? A broken relationship? do we need to forgive someone?' What is standing in the way of God allowing us to move forward with our lives.We have no place to commit to, to be able to serve. Do you know how hard it is for someone who has gone to church all their lives and has been involved and serving regularly in some capacity in the last 15 years to go to nothing? It is hard. Some people might welcome the opportunity for the break but in our case breaking form that regular service we are removed from the people that have been our church family for 8.. almost 9 years. Not having that community leaves a hole. A much bigger hole that you might expect.
Brad and I have been reading through a plan on our bible app and we are in the story of Noah. It is always an eye opener to go through some of the stories that we might call a Sunday school story and you realize you only got part of the story. the biggest thing that got me this time was that ya, it rained 40 days and 40 nights, but did you know that they were on that boat for a week before the waters came. And did you know that they were stuck on the ark for more than a year?! More like 13 months. Ridiculous. And they couldn't even got out of the boat until all the waters had receded.
I'm feeling a little like Noah. God told him to do something that today would seem crazy, maybe even then Noah thought... 'this is crazy'. But he loved and trusted the Lord his God and so was obedient. I didn't know it at the time but I think that God telling Brad he was done as youth pastor. He was telling him to build an ark. Our family certainly has been flooded. Are we to wait a year as well? We've sent out several birds looking for that olive branch... we're waiting for their returns.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not fully comparing our situation with that of Noah's and that time. God certainly isn't using this time to clean the earth. I am wondering what he's using this time for.
So God, it's a new year and we need a new job. What are you waiting for?
