This coming Sunday I will have been a mommy for 4 years. Interestingly enough this Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't care much for hallmark holidays, valentine's day, mother's/father's day, I've always said "if you need a special day of the year to appreciate somebody then you've got bigger problems on your hands". Imagine being a Christian and only celebrating Jesus birth on December 25th or his death and resurrection on good Friday and easter Sunday.
This year for more reason than that though I wish to not celebrate Mother's day... I wish to not be a mom at all. Four years ago this Sunday we lost our sweet and perfect Liam at 20 weeks gestation. He was beautiful in every way and there wasn't a speck wrong with him. We have two beautiful boys since then and deep down to the depths of my soul I love being their mommy. They have, however, both been a challenge these last few days. One because he's two and a half and is supposed to challenge me and the other because he's 9 weeks old and what else is a newborn but challenging? Even at the best of times I'm worn thin by exhaustion and still trying to get myself back to feeling normal (what is that after all?)
So here I am... almost 6 years married and 4 years a mom... and I'd like a break... an alternate universe to visit maybe... or just half an hour where I'm not asleep and I can forget that I actually have kids. Then I wonder, did my mom ever feel this way? If she did she has never told me. My mom is a hero of mine. She married my dad and he wasn't a christian, so for the first few years of mine and my sister's lives every Sunday she got us up and dressed for church all by herself. My dad never stood in her way but he never helped her either. My mom made sure we didn't miss anything important that had to do with our Saviour. She introduced us to Him, she taught us about Him. She made sure we knew that Christmas was about Jesus' birth not Santa and his elves, and that Good Friday was about Christ's death and Easter Sunday not about bunnies and eggs but was about His resurrection and what that means to us. My mom had a benign brain tumour when I was 3 and a benign lung tumour when I was 8. Through it all she praised the Lord and never once did I hear her say she wanted to run away from it all.
So here I am now... on the verge of losing my marbles all because I'm tired and my kids won't do what I want them to do.
How often does God lose his marbles because His kids don't do what he wants them to do? I think I forget that these times are fleeting, that I won't be tired forever, one day I will feel normal again and my boys won't be challenging forever (and realistically they aren't always challenging).
Big picture? Sure my single life was.... "exotic" but it was also empty. There was a time when I was single and all I wanted was to be a wife and a mom. This still holds true. I love my children and I'm crazy about my husband. So how do I reconcile all this?
Just give me a few more minutes sleep......
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